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l_stephens' LiveJournal:
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| Sunday, October 5th, 2008 | | 2:21 am |
More
So, my mother in law mentioned awhile back that my last two posts were "not feeling well and then something about death." True enough .. okay, so I'm alive. I'm not doing well, but I'm alive. My plan to get healthy before I turn forty hasn't panned out yet. I'm flailing around trying to find my place in life and at work and at home. And I'm not figuring anything out. Life pretty much sucks at the moment. (btw - Hi Rebekkah, good to see you today) | | Wednesday, September 17th, 2008 | | 8:29 pm |
Hey Y'all ... more coming soon | | Sunday, February 3rd, 2008 | | 4:26 am |
| | Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008 | | 9:56 pm |
Week Three
Still 328 - at least I assume so, no weigh-in this week. No change in habits. Going to try something new this week. More later. | | Friday, January 18th, 2008 | | 2:57 am |
Week Two
328 - no change in habits either. | | Tuesday, January 8th, 2008 | | 1:09 am |
| | Tuesday, January 1st, 2008 | | 3:42 am |
Fifty-Seven Weeks
That's the length of time from now until my 40th birthday. That's my deadline. More to come. | | Saturday, June 23rd, 2007 | | 1:45 pm |
Recurring Trouble
Once again, I have developed anemia. Specifically, iron-deficiency anemia. I'm back on iron pills (and therefore stool-softeners) for a while. My doctor will do another blood test in three months. It does explain why I've been so tired lately. And, of course, it can effect one's mood. Everything else is a bust. I talked to her about bi-polar medication, and she, quite reasonably, said she didn't want to prescribe anything without a specific order from a psychiatrist. You see, my therapist is a Licensed Social Worker, and not a doctor, so she can't prescribe medications. And my GP doesn't feel she has the expertise to start experimenting with different drugs in this area. So, I have to go back to Dr. Irwin, or someone else who can diagnose and prescribe. Sigh On the flip side, I've been to my gym several times in the week and a half I've been a member. Also, I've had some celebratory cakes this week, so it balances out, I guess. Overall, feeling okay. | | Friday, June 15th, 2007 | | 5:14 pm |
Changes
As I posted last week. I've gained 49# from 280, which was my lowest weight since surgery. I vowed I would get this under control and I am proud to say that I think I have. In my last post, I promised to do something in the physical activity category and I did. Owen and I joined a brand new 24-hour-gym, that just opened near our house. We've been twice even. Also, I've tried to respect myself and my body by making healthier food choices this week, and kept sugar consumption to a minimum. I weighed at the doctor's office today and, in one week, I've re-lost seven pounds. It feels good. | | Monday, June 11th, 2007 | | 10:15 am |
Crap
Weighed Friday, 329. That's a total of 49# regained. So, here's what I've done: I made an appointment to see my doctor next week about blood-sugar, new drugs and a sleep aide. I am still forming it, but there is a growing plan to get my exercise regimen back on track, either at home or at some paid facility. I'm taking steps to get my sleeping, eating and working routine back onto a regular, daytime schedule. And I'm not freaking out about it. It's a setback, but I'm not going to let it beat me. No more whining. I didn't come this far just to fail. | | Tuesday, June 5th, 2007 | | 3:07 am |
Support Groups
Went to a support group a couple of weeks ago. It's the one sponsored by my surgeon and required before surgery. It was a joke. A skinny little nutritionist stood up and spoke to a room full of fat people and lectured us on emotional eating. She said she had experienced this once when a friend was stuck in Africa with a sick sibling in the US. After the call, she sat down and began to eat a plate of food. Her husband came in "What's wrong honey?" "I don't know. I'm not hungry. Let's take a walk and talk about it." Uck. There was an audible scoff noise from the room. I'm thinking of starting a real support group for local bandsters with real problems. | | Sunday, May 27th, 2007 | | 7:31 am |
Emotional Issues
In the middle of February, I needed to refill my depression meds. My insurance is a joke, and the prescription is a hundred bucks a month. So, I didn't fill it. I was gonna wait until I had the money to spare. Two weeks later, I had spiraled down so far, I quit art. I had missed a week of school and determined not to return. I was ready to get a job doing data entry or house cleaning or something. Then the floodgates opened. New, creative ideas began to pour out of me like I was full of lava. Going back to school was easy, catching up was nothing. I worked harder and grew more as an artist than I ever had before. Stuff came to me and left my hands so quickly I barely had time to look at it all. I was amazing. But all the time, something else was growing. Mostly, it was depression, and at first, that's all it was. Overwhelming, deeply wounding depression. It would overtake me on the weekends or during down times from school or whatever. If I didn't have something in front of me to do, I was lost in the deep umbra. Then, little bits at a time, the depression was shoved aside by anger. Just a tiny bit at first, but it came faster. Nothing was right, everyone was in my way. No one knew how to be helpful, only frustrating. It's like they were doing it on purpose, just to rile me, just to make me mad. The anger took everything over. In the last couple of weeks, I haven't been depressed at all. Instead, I've been angry. Last week I completely went off on two friends at no provocation. None. I just exploded. Just like that. I explode now. At my mom, at my family, at my friends. And the fuse is getting shorter and shorter. It seems I have to make a choice ... and IT'S PISSING ME OFF!!! So. Here it is. Is this my only choice? Do I have to sacrifice creativity for life on an even keel? Will I need to find something else to do with my life just so I can remain calm? Is there an alternative? | | Monday, May 14th, 2007 | | 7:15 pm |
| | Sunday, May 6th, 2007 | | 6:13 pm |
One Week Gone
I am happy to report that measuring out my food and eating carefully has worked. I had some trouble on Friday and Saturday and I vomited, but that was it. I otherwise have been puke-free since last Sunday. Let's see what the next week brings. | | Sunday, April 29th, 2007 | | 2:43 pm |
Dog, Tricks, etc.
I learned to eat around my band within a year of getting it. But at that time, it didn't seem to do any harm, I was still losing weight. Nothing seemed impossible. Later, it did matter. I stopped losing weight. Then, even worse, I gained some. Now, it has started to cost me my health. I vomit every day. Usually more than once. I say vomit because I would no longer call it a petite little "PB" in which just the last bite comes back up and is spit out. No, this is gut wrenching, up through the toenails, vomiting. And it's beginning to deteriorate my body. My teeth have become sensitive, the roof of my mouth is always sore. I have acid even when I'm upright. And I've gained even more weight (don't know how much, just can't wear certain jeans anymore). Clearly, this must stop. I've started to address this issue by first looking at why I'm eating this way. Is it laziness? Boredom? Self-loathing? What? Well, I'm talking about that with my therapist and I'll let you know if we come to a conclusion together. In the meantime, I have to put a stop to the vomiting or I will lose my band, die, or worse. In school, my art professors always said to me, "If you don't know what to do next, go back to the basics." So that's what I'm gonna do. I am going back to eating carefully measured foods, writing them down and keeping track of exactly how much I eat, when I eat it, and how long it takes me. It worked in the beginning and I see no reason why it shouldn't work now. I have this tool. I've got to go back to using it properly. | | Wednesday, March 28th, 2007 | | 3:56 pm |
Fairness Post
I've gained 31 pounds. In all fairness, I've taken my measurements again, there's a 6.25" gain. I'm now reduced to simple dieting and I hate it. If I were able to diet, I would not have needed the surgery. I'll remeasure next month, we'll see if there's a change or not. (beginning/lowest/now) Weight 410/282/313 Chest 62"/54"/54" Waist 62"/52"/55" Hips 67"/59"/59" Thigh 34"/32"/33.75" Calf 24"/19"/22" Arm 24"/17"/17.5" Including the regain, that's a 31.75" loss. | | Saturday, February 10th, 2007 | | 1:25 am |
Aha!!
I've just about got the reflux thing beat. As long as I stick to this regimen, I'm golden: 1. Take a Prilosec every morning at least 30 minutes (1 hour preferable) before breakfast. 2. Stop eating at least three hours before going to bed. 3. Drink at least 48 ounces of liquid during that 3-hour period to make sure my stomach is good and empty. 4. Never, EVER, drink orange or tomato juice again!! | | Thursday, February 1st, 2007 | | 3:31 pm |
Victory
I've been upset recently - okay, more than just recently - for about a year really, that I'm just not losing weight anymore. In fact, though I have hovered at 298 for a few months now, 18 pounds of that is gain-back. Thank God I haven't crested 300 yet. I'd cry. A lot. Anyway, the point of this rare post is to express a realization I had the other day (which also explains why I have no time to post, BTW) while pricing items for a remodel job I may undertake in the near future: I may not have lost weight in the last year, but Wow! am I an active person now! Right this minute, I am going to school full time (I finish in August), I am working part-time, I take care of my Mom (who has now broken her sacrum) full-time (though I have help with that), and I'm contemplating a major house remodel that I will largely be doing by myself .... AND I manage to work out once or twice a week, the bills are up-to-date, the dishes and laundry are kept up .... AND THE BED IS MADE!! A year ago I didn't have the energy to be energetic, if you know what I mean. There's no way I could have lived a life this busy and full. Sunday's my 38th birthday and I'm not even afraid of it! Wheee!!!! | | Friday, January 5th, 2007 | | 6:21 am |
New Year New Thoughts
It's been quite some time since I've made significant progress in my weight loss. I'm anxious and frustrated about that. Last year when this happened, I was having blood sugar problems and my doctor put me on Metformin. I immediately lost 50#. I've been contemplating faking a blood test so I can get a new prescription, as I otherwise have no medical reason to take it now. My blood sugar is fine. Is this dangerous? Is it worth it? A lap-band doctor would tell me I need a fill. Get an adjustment, it'll prompt weight loss. But I'm as tight as I care to be right now. Eating correctly is difficult at this level of restriction as it is. Exercise seems elusive, though I've been doing better with that the last day or two. What I need is a regular schedule. Spring semester starts in about three hours. Maybe this spring will actually be different for me. I am aware that this post sounds a bit depressive, but in actuality, I'm in a good emotional place right now. I have hope. I think maybe I'll be okay. | | Monday, November 6th, 2006 | | 12:11 am |
Mayhem
Friday my purse was stolen. I didn't lose it, it wasn't misplaced; it was stolen. How do I know this? Because I called the credit card companies within 30 minutes and both of my cards had already been used a couple of times each. I was at school, in the photo lab. I left my purse on the table, as I have a dozen times before, while I was in the dark closet putting undeveloped film into the development canister. I was five feet away and was in the closet less than ten minutes. It wasn't a student, it was a professional. He (and I'm only using "he" because it's grammatically correct, not because I think a woman incapable of this crime) used only the credit cards, not the ATM cards. Luckily, my phone and my car keys were not in my purse. Neither were my wedding rings, which I have been known to put in there when I'm working, nor was there more than about ten bucks in it. The only thing in my purse of value (other than the plastic) was my memory stick, a cheap one with only copies of files on it, nothing irreplaceable. Everything has been cancelled and taken care of. I have a new driver's license and all will be well. Still, he has my home address and I'm out the use of my memory stick ... and a cute purse. Also, I ruined all the film I was trying to develop that day. That'll be hard to make up, but I'll have to do it somehow. I know I wasn't hurt, it wasn't a violent crime and ultimately, there is only a financial loss and a large amount of frustration, but it still feels like a violation and I'm angry about it. |
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